AND....what did you do today?
You know those days when you arrive at the end of your day, and you look back at your day and realize you did nothing. I don't mean nothing literally. I did get out of bed, eat breakfast, go for a walk with my son and our dogs, go to a movie with my son and then pick up pizza for us to eat for dinner. OH, and I did do a load of laundry. BIG day, right?
My friends and family would say to me, "Oh, that's good. You need days like that. You are always so busy, and you don't know how to say NO, so it's good that you took some time for yourself."
Yep, well.....I have been doing this for months........on end. Although, I don't usually get to go to a movie with my son in the middle of the day because he is at school. I'd be an even worse mother than I already am if I took him out of school to go to a movie. At least, I don't do that.
I thought I was doing better. I am not. The good news is that I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore or wonder why I am on this earth. There is perhaps, still some of that as I am trying to find my purpose, which after all these years, multiple jobs in various fields and 3 degrees, you'd think I'd have that figured out. I thought I had, actually. I digress. I am kind of kidding myself. I live my days doing mundane tasks that get me through the day but bring me no real joy or purpose. My favorite part of the day is making dinner, as long as I have ample time and some planning, so I don't feel stressed. My next favorite part is going to bed.
I have no purpose, feel no community and am not connected to anything I love. Sure, my family, but that is only because it is supposed to be that way. I do love them more than anything else in the world, but I get no pleasure in it. I love being their mom, but I don't like being a parent.
Here it comes........"You should do yoga........you should meditate........you should journal..........you should go to church..........you should see a therapist, a life coach, the Dalai Lama, a psychic, a voodoo master (is there such a thing?), a healer,...............you should, you should, you should." AND....you should shut the fuck up.
I gotta get out of this awful, downward spiraling rut. I am miserable.
It may seem like a relaxing leisurely day watching Oprah and eating bon, bons, but in all truth I am watching How I Met Your Mother and eating whatever is in the fridge and hating every minute of it. I just cannot get out of it.
My friends and family would say to me, "Oh, that's good. You need days like that. You are always so busy, and you don't know how to say NO, so it's good that you took some time for yourself."
Yep, well.....I have been doing this for months........on end. Although, I don't usually get to go to a movie with my son in the middle of the day because he is at school. I'd be an even worse mother than I already am if I took him out of school to go to a movie. At least, I don't do that.
I thought I was doing better. I am not. The good news is that I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore or wonder why I am on this earth. There is perhaps, still some of that as I am trying to find my purpose, which after all these years, multiple jobs in various fields and 3 degrees, you'd think I'd have that figured out. I thought I had, actually. I digress. I am kind of kidding myself. I live my days doing mundane tasks that get me through the day but bring me no real joy or purpose. My favorite part of the day is making dinner, as long as I have ample time and some planning, so I don't feel stressed. My next favorite part is going to bed.
I have no purpose, feel no community and am not connected to anything I love. Sure, my family, but that is only because it is supposed to be that way. I do love them more than anything else in the world, but I get no pleasure in it. I love being their mom, but I don't like being a parent.
Here it comes........"You should do yoga........you should meditate........you should journal..........you should go to church..........you should see a therapist, a life coach, the Dalai Lama, a psychic, a voodoo master (is there such a thing?), a healer,...............you should, you should, you should." AND....you should shut the fuck up.
I gotta get out of this awful, downward spiraling rut. I am miserable.
It may seem like a relaxing leisurely day watching Oprah and eating bon, bons, but in all truth I am watching How I Met Your Mother and eating whatever is in the fridge and hating every minute of it. I just cannot get out of it.
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