My 15 seconds of fame......

I am hoping my 15 seconds of fame isn’t of me losing my shit to an old (er) man filming me from

his camera in the car. Yep, it wasn’t pretty and I am embarrassed. Yet, I was taunted and pushed

into overwhelming anger after being completely stupified by the behavior of a man 30 years my senior.

After cutting me off purposely and then stepping on his breaks purposely, he then proceeds to laugh at

me and then, what I can only assume (because the windows were closed in both cares) tell me how I

was the one in the wrong. I did not at any point try to be an ass hole or insert myself in where it was not

my turn or right of way. Believe me, I have done so and played the cat and mouse game with assholes

before. This was not one of those times.

Here is what happened.

I was the second car at a stop light in the right lane, once the light turned green I followed the car ahead

of me. After the light, two lanes merge into one. The car ahead of me merged in between

the two cars from the left lane. I attempt to do the same. I look over and see a red car very close to me

not letting up and inching closer and closer behind the bumper of the car in front of him. I wasn't trying to

be an asshole, I was trying to merge. I slid off into the shoulder because I had no choice. I threw my

hands up in amazement. Then, at the next light, I have to get in the left lane to turn left. As I was trying

to get over to the left lane, he breaks abruptly. There was no reason for this. Seriously? WTF. Why is this

necessary? Just to be an ass hole?

Then, I pull into my lane and he pulls up in the lane next to me and starts laughing at me and pointing,

which now really sets me off. So, I roll down the window to yell at him, “It was a fucking merge lane.”

That was all I was planning on saying, but my blood is boiling at this point. He rolls down his window

and starts yelling at me, but I have rolled the passenger window back up. I felt there was no

reason to listen to him because I knew I didn't do anything. He continues to laugh at me, so now I am

really pissed, so I flip him off and call him an ass hole. The windows are still up, mind you. Then I watch as

he pulls his phone out of his left pocket and begins videotaping me. This really chaps my chain, so I flip him off again. He continues to laugh and mock me, getting more animated by the second. Finally, even though I am angry and flustered, I decide the best couse of action is to do the same, so I laugh too and then wave and blow him kisses.

Then the light turns green and I go.

I am embarrassed by my childish behavior. I am embarrassed because my 15-year-old daughter was in

the car. I am not embarrassed about my very human reaction and emotion. Do you know how shitty it

feels to be mocked over and over again? Do you know how shocking it is to be purposely cut off by a

man (with his little old wife in the passenger seat next to him) in his 80’s? I could see a teenager or a

guy in his 20’s, just being a prick for the sake of being a prick. This guy decides to be twice the ass hole.

I could also see if I was egging him on from the get-go, or being a bitch and forcing the issue, but I did not.

I am human. Not making excuses, just saying that because I make mistakes, a lot of them.  What made

this whole episode even worse is the judgment and the “you need to fix you” attitude and words from

some people close to me. Sure, we ALL have work to do, although some people seem to feel

immune to their own insecurities and unattractive features of their character. As in my childhood, except for

my mom, aunts, and a few girlfriends, it was always somehow my fault. It was always because I was too emotional

and dramatic and I was the one with the temper or the one who just didn’t know how to……...whatever.

It continued into my dating years. In fact, I was in a 5 year verbally and physically abusive relationship where

everything was my fault. Literally, everything. I even loaded the dishwasher wrong. YES! If that is such a thing, I managed

to conquer it. After a while, you begin to believe you are wrong all the time. You begin to accept that you are the one

who is to blame and you are a shitty, awful person and then worse yet, you become that person.

Guess what? That’s how I feel right now, not only because I was mocked and laughed at and belittled

by a fucking old white man, but because some of those closest to me, believe I am childish and I need

to fix me.

Admitting and speaking the truth hurts. It hurts to admit that I could have handled that a great deal better, with more grace and

and calm. If only I had looked straight ahead as my daughter told me to do. I should have ignored the mocking man.

It sucks to be embarrassed. It sucks to know that I can get that angry, kind of scary in fact. It also sucks to bear

the weight of years and years of belittlement by many, many men. These moments kill me, make me want to run away or worse yet, not be around anymore. It’s true.

I am an escapist at heart. These moments hurt me because of how I feel inside and how angry I can

become. It hurts to feel not perfect and to feel out of “control.” To be clear, I don’t want to be perfect, that

would be boring and if there is anything that I AM NOT; it’s boring.  It’s the theatre artist in me, I suppose.

Yep. Not my best moment. But I really hurt more because of what it triggered and

because I feel the eyes of judgment when I reach out to vent or process.

My mom always told me, “And this too shall pass.” Hmmm, doesn’t feel like it.

The judgment from within remains, but sadly so does the judgment from those closest to me.

I wish you were here, mom. You have been the only one to consistently accept me for who I am with

all my quirks, anxieties and mistakes. I am a work in progress as we all are. Why can’t that be accepted?

So, if you see me on the internet, I definitely will look batshit crazy because I felt that angry at this jerk.

I know I should have "let it go," but I couldn't, for whatever reason. Hopefully, those that know me, still

love and accept me, even with my pink hair and my shitty moments.

Peace.

xo Tiff