And there it is.....the tears
It's been a big week, and I am talking about for me, personally. I don't need acknowledgment of this fact, by anyone but me. I need to acknowledge as well as honor it and the feelings that are likely to spring forth.
Before I made my morning cup of coffee, I watched a post on Facebook shared by one of my 527 "friends" that was shared from Ashton Kutcher's page. It was Sheryl Sandberg's UC Berkeley Commencement address on May 16th, 2016. In her address, she talks about the death of her beloved husband, Dave. Quite the topic for a motivational speech marking new beginnings. However, it's Sheryl Sandberg, and she is the COO of Facebook, so she must have a point for this, right? She does indeed, and it is quite poignant.
After I had watched the clip on facebook, I went downstairs to make my morning cup of coffee. As I was washing my hands, I glanced in my bay window at the lovely gift I was given by the board yesterday marking the end of my 6-year service to an incredible organization.
I also received a lovely card and a gift card to a local restaurant. What an incredible parting gift and very thoughtful. I was touched by this gesture.
Yet, here's the thing.......remember at the beginning of this blog post when I said, "it's been a big week?" I orchestrated a huge event on Thursday night in less than 6 weeks. Having been hired on March 3rd to be the volunteer coordinator at the Grief Support Network, I pulled this event off, despite almost canceling it, postponing it or moving locations because Boulder was being hit by a winter storm on May 18th!?!??!! WE WERE NOT DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS!!! Personally, I worked too hard for that to happen and my 3 other team members worked equally hard to pull this night off. NO WAY! Well, we did it and it was an amazing and beautiful night.
The next morning, tired from the night before, I spent at a board meeting. It was my last one after 6 years of service. It hasn't been an easy 6 years. In fact, last year, I almost quit after each board meeting because I would come home in tears. It took a toll on my body, emotions, my mind and my home life. This experience was not unlike another one that was still all too fresh in my mind. These experiences have taken a huge toll on me personally.
As I gazed at this lovely gift from my fellow trustees, the tears started flowing. I anticipated this at some point post-Friday around 1 pm. Here I am, staring at this lovely living thing and I am crying. I said to myself, "this beautiful gift marks a new start, fresh beginnings, and that bridge is what I am walking over to begin this new adventure in my life." Even as I stood there telling myself about new beginnings and fresh starts I realized the tears that came were about loss. A loss of what was, a loss of what could have been and what I wish had been. All those years of volunteer service to two organizations had taught me a great deal and have given me incredible, life-long friendships. However, with those blessings and lessons learned, came huge emotional pain and great losses. A huge loss of trust, faith, innocence and self.
The culmination of this BIG week touched on what I found so poignant in Sheryl's commencement speech. It is the gratitude and resilience that comes out of experiencing deep losses. The loss of a loved one, a relationship that didn't work out, a job one didn't get, recognition not received, yet well-deserved or the loss of genuine human connection.
I was told after this event on Thursday night, that what had transpired showed my true colors, showed my commitment, dedication and showed what I was capable of doing. In my 12+ years serving these organizations in a VOLUNTEER capacity, I never felt a genuine appreciation for my actions. And for me, it is NOT about appreciating me or recognizing my accomplishments or what I can do. I already know I can rock an event. I already know my attention to detail is bar none. I already know I am the one you want when you want to build community. What this is about though, is being a genuine human being and making genuine connections.
And this is where I am extremely grateful, I have this in other aspects of my life. Do I chalk the lack of genuineness up to the fact that these are just institutions? While they have a very real human component, they have lost their heart. Perhaps it is any institution that grows beyond its capacity to stay real and heart-centered. Perhaps it is the people hired or that volunteer or the dynamics between them. Perhaps this is just the world we live in today. I don't know.
I do know that I have found genuine human connections in the women in my life; my aunts, my cousins, my sister, step-moms, my mom's dear friends, my childhood sisters and all the friends I have made since boarding school and now in the team at the Grief Support Network. These women are my rock.
I feel sad about the lack of genuineness and how I feel towards these organizations, but I choose not to focus on that. I will focus on what I have learned, how I have grown and the genuine people that are in my life because of those experiences. For this, I am forever grateful.
Before I made my morning cup of coffee, I watched a post on Facebook shared by one of my 527 "friends" that was shared from Ashton Kutcher's page. It was Sheryl Sandberg's UC Berkeley Commencement address on May 16th, 2016. In her address, she talks about the death of her beloved husband, Dave. Quite the topic for a motivational speech marking new beginnings. However, it's Sheryl Sandberg, and she is the COO of Facebook, so she must have a point for this, right? She does indeed, and it is quite poignant.
After I had watched the clip on facebook, I went downstairs to make my morning cup of coffee. As I was washing my hands, I glanced in my bay window at the lovely gift I was given by the board yesterday marking the end of my 6-year service to an incredible organization.
I also received a lovely card and a gift card to a local restaurant. What an incredible parting gift and very thoughtful. I was touched by this gesture.
Yet, here's the thing.......remember at the beginning of this blog post when I said, "it's been a big week?" I orchestrated a huge event on Thursday night in less than 6 weeks. Having been hired on March 3rd to be the volunteer coordinator at the Grief Support Network, I pulled this event off, despite almost canceling it, postponing it or moving locations because Boulder was being hit by a winter storm on May 18th!?!??!! WE WERE NOT DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS!!! Personally, I worked too hard for that to happen and my 3 other team members worked equally hard to pull this night off. NO WAY! Well, we did it and it was an amazing and beautiful night.
The next morning, tired from the night before, I spent at a board meeting. It was my last one after 6 years of service. It hasn't been an easy 6 years. In fact, last year, I almost quit after each board meeting because I would come home in tears. It took a toll on my body, emotions, my mind and my home life. This experience was not unlike another one that was still all too fresh in my mind. These experiences have taken a huge toll on me personally.
As I gazed at this lovely gift from my fellow trustees, the tears started flowing. I anticipated this at some point post-Friday around 1 pm. Here I am, staring at this lovely living thing and I am crying. I said to myself, "this beautiful gift marks a new start, fresh beginnings, and that bridge is what I am walking over to begin this new adventure in my life." Even as I stood there telling myself about new beginnings and fresh starts I realized the tears that came were about loss. A loss of what was, a loss of what could have been and what I wish had been. All those years of volunteer service to two organizations had taught me a great deal and have given me incredible, life-long friendships. However, with those blessings and lessons learned, came huge emotional pain and great losses. A huge loss of trust, faith, innocence and self.
The culmination of this BIG week touched on what I found so poignant in Sheryl's commencement speech. It is the gratitude and resilience that comes out of experiencing deep losses. The loss of a loved one, a relationship that didn't work out, a job one didn't get, recognition not received, yet well-deserved or the loss of genuine human connection.
I was told after this event on Thursday night, that what had transpired showed my true colors, showed my commitment, dedication and showed what I was capable of doing. In my 12+ years serving these organizations in a VOLUNTEER capacity, I never felt a genuine appreciation for my actions. And for me, it is NOT about appreciating me or recognizing my accomplishments or what I can do. I already know I can rock an event. I already know my attention to detail is bar none. I already know I am the one you want when you want to build community. What this is about though, is being a genuine human being and making genuine connections.
And this is where I am extremely grateful, I have this in other aspects of my life. Do I chalk the lack of genuineness up to the fact that these are just institutions? While they have a very real human component, they have lost their heart. Perhaps it is any institution that grows beyond its capacity to stay real and heart-centered. Perhaps it is the people hired or that volunteer or the dynamics between them. Perhaps this is just the world we live in today. I don't know.
I do know that I have found genuine human connections in the women in my life; my aunts, my cousins, my sister, step-moms, my mom's dear friends, my childhood sisters and all the friends I have made since boarding school and now in the team at the Grief Support Network. These women are my rock.
I feel sad about the lack of genuineness and how I feel towards these organizations, but I choose not to focus on that. I will focus on what I have learned, how I have grown and the genuine people that are in my life because of those experiences. For this, I am forever grateful.
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