It's material.
It's been almost a year since I have visited and written on my BeeBee blog. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's that I have been trying to act like I was fine.
We had to get rid of my mom's couch, armchair and ottoman. Last Saturday was a sad day in our house. They are just material possessions; I know that. My rational side knows that. My heart, however, does not share that knowledge. It was a practical decision as those items never really fit in our house, to begin with, and then it became a necessary decision as our cats have destroyed the couch and armchair.
This isn't about a couch and an armchair, though.
I have been in a terrible place in my life the last two years, while I feel myself coming out of it, and in fact, I keep telling myself and others that I am coming out of it, I am still in deep despair. It is not that I set out to do this without medication, its that medication is overwhelming, like so many things to me at the moment. I have to call in to make an appointment with someone, get a prescription, fill the prescription and then remember to take it daily. Then, I have to keep on top of filling it each month. This sounds like an easy enough task, to me it is not. Most things feel difficult to me as of late, even things I love to do; host a party, get together with friends, go out for a movie, organize, bake.......
I get it all the time......"You are the perfect candidate for yoga," OR "You really should meditate," OR "you are stressed about that? OR you can't handle that? I have bigger issues going on in my life such as..........." The list goes on and on. I feel like I could fill up a 400-page novel with the statements people make. It's not that they don't care or are insensitive, they just aren't educated about how depression takes hold of the whole person and their life. Guaranteed, they are also dealing with their own issues or amidst their own depth of despair. So, why don't we talk about mental illness more openly?
I have posted a Ted Talk below because Andrew Solomon does an excellent job describing depression. When I watched it, I felt like I was finally understood. I try to describe it to others, and I give up because it is exhausting for me. It may sound strange to those closest to me who know that I have been suffering from depression since I was 16. I have been on and off medication since that time and have seen one therapist or another for a good portion of my life. Depression has taken different shapes and sizes throughout my life. I suffered from severe post-partum depression after our first child was born, but it looked completely different after our second child was born. My mother died six days after he was born and he was the reason I stayed alive that first year. I continue to "stay in the game" for my kids. I can not imagine not being here for them, yet almost every day I think how much easier it would be if I weren't here. There are times when that feeling is stronger than others. For example, the last six months, it has been almost constant. I knew last week I hit my low when I uttered those words out loud with my son in the car! I said that I would rather die.
It hit me then.......not only was this my most recent low point, but I reflected back to a journal entry of my mom's. I have all of her worldly possessions including her diaries. For a few years after her death, they sat unopened in my office. One day, I opened one of her journals, and the entry was about suicide; her suicide. My heart stopped as it did this past Thursday when I uttered those words out loud. "OH DEAR," I thought "this is it, you are not OK. You have been making a good faith effort, but you need more than sunshine and gratitude journals, exercise and chocolate."
For the most part, I am an open book when it comes to talking about my beliefs, fears, experiences, quirks and undesirable traits. I will and have talked openly about my depression. It seems more important now than ever because I feel we won't survive as a civilization if we don't have more love and compassion for one another. I feel that starts with sharing our stories and listening to others tell their stories.
I am sure I will get criticized for writing and sharing this stuff, but it no longer is an option to keep it under wraps and hidden on my computer only. Like Andrew Solomon and others who have chosen to "come out" with their disease, I am choosing to do so here. This blog is about my journey. If you don't like it, don't visit. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, good.
I share with you this amazing Ted Talk and a picture. I volunteered to speak about my post-partum depression as part of a video series for practitioners.
Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share
XO
Tiff
We had to get rid of my mom's couch, armchair and ottoman. Last Saturday was a sad day in our house. They are just material possessions; I know that. My rational side knows that. My heart, however, does not share that knowledge. It was a practical decision as those items never really fit in our house, to begin with, and then it became a necessary decision as our cats have destroyed the couch and armchair.
This isn't about a couch and an armchair, though.
I have been in a terrible place in my life the last two years, while I feel myself coming out of it, and in fact, I keep telling myself and others that I am coming out of it, I am still in deep despair. It is not that I set out to do this without medication, its that medication is overwhelming, like so many things to me at the moment. I have to call in to make an appointment with someone, get a prescription, fill the prescription and then remember to take it daily. Then, I have to keep on top of filling it each month. This sounds like an easy enough task, to me it is not. Most things feel difficult to me as of late, even things I love to do; host a party, get together with friends, go out for a movie, organize, bake.......
I get it all the time......"You are the perfect candidate for yoga," OR "You really should meditate," OR "you are stressed about that? OR you can't handle that? I have bigger issues going on in my life such as..........." The list goes on and on. I feel like I could fill up a 400-page novel with the statements people make. It's not that they don't care or are insensitive, they just aren't educated about how depression takes hold of the whole person and their life. Guaranteed, they are also dealing with their own issues or amidst their own depth of despair. So, why don't we talk about mental illness more openly?
I have posted a Ted Talk below because Andrew Solomon does an excellent job describing depression. When I watched it, I felt like I was finally understood. I try to describe it to others, and I give up because it is exhausting for me. It may sound strange to those closest to me who know that I have been suffering from depression since I was 16. I have been on and off medication since that time and have seen one therapist or another for a good portion of my life. Depression has taken different shapes and sizes throughout my life. I suffered from severe post-partum depression after our first child was born, but it looked completely different after our second child was born. My mother died six days after he was born and he was the reason I stayed alive that first year. I continue to "stay in the game" for my kids. I can not imagine not being here for them, yet almost every day I think how much easier it would be if I weren't here. There are times when that feeling is stronger than others. For example, the last six months, it has been almost constant. I knew last week I hit my low when I uttered those words out loud with my son in the car! I said that I would rather die.
It hit me then.......not only was this my most recent low point, but I reflected back to a journal entry of my mom's. I have all of her worldly possessions including her diaries. For a few years after her death, they sat unopened in my office. One day, I opened one of her journals, and the entry was about suicide; her suicide. My heart stopped as it did this past Thursday when I uttered those words out loud. "OH DEAR," I thought "this is it, you are not OK. You have been making a good faith effort, but you need more than sunshine and gratitude journals, exercise and chocolate."
For the most part, I am an open book when it comes to talking about my beliefs, fears, experiences, quirks and undesirable traits. I will and have talked openly about my depression. It seems more important now than ever because I feel we won't survive as a civilization if we don't have more love and compassion for one another. I feel that starts with sharing our stories and listening to others tell their stories.
I am sure I will get criticized for writing and sharing this stuff, but it no longer is an option to keep it under wraps and hidden on my computer only. Like Andrew Solomon and others who have chosen to "come out" with their disease, I am choosing to do so here. This blog is about my journey. If you don't like it, don't visit. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, good.
I share with you this amazing Ted Talk and a picture. I volunteered to speak about my post-partum depression as part of a video series for practitioners.
Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share
XO
Tiff
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